Lord of the Rink Wars
by MindSatellites
Summary: Ever wonder what would happen if Star Wars and Lord of the Rings collided.. in a HOCKEY GAME? Probably not, but here's a possible outcome. WARNING:Utter AU Nonsense to follow! Written by Lady Shanni and Leah, rated T for some violence.. all in fun!
1. Chapter 1: Coach Norton Weenis

A/N: **Shannakin**: Hey there, guys! You know that parody fic that me and NightRain81 have been promising you for so long?

**NightRain**: That's right! It's FINALLY up.

**Shannakin**: Well, the first chapter, anyway.

**NightRain**: Yeah. The rest might take a while, so bear with us. Shannakin will fill you in with the details.

**Shannakin**: Ok. So last winter, we were sitting around talking, and we got to wondering...what would it be like if the Star Wars guys played hockey? Neither of us really play hockey, or are associated with it in any way, but still, we're Canadian. It's in our blood-

**NightRain**: Ha. Ha. Ha.

**Shannakin**: I know. I'm great. So anyways, we sat down with our twisted sense of humor and spewed out little itty bitty chunks of this parody! So sit back, relax, and read what happens when Star Wars and Lord of the Rings collide...on the ice!

**NightRain**: Fun and violence to follow.

**Shannakin**: Right. This has been posted in the spirit of game Seven of the Stanley Cup Finals. (Go Oilers.Even though that was weeks ago, and they lost. Oh, well. We're Number Two. Wow. Does that ever sound feeble.) And much thanks to our Beta Reader, fantasizingfluff! Love ya, Kennedy!

**NightRain**: Now...READ! Seriously, people!

* * *

**LORD OF THE RINK WARS!**

_Insert Generic Epic Scrawl.. waiting... waiting... there we go!_

Long ago, in a middle earth in a galaxy far, far away, there was a bunch of odd and quirky little bunny rabbits! They frolicked and frisked about in the sun like the happy and small little anomalies that they were. Fortunately, they don't come into the story much, so we'll just leave them to their frolicking.

NOW our story actually begins! Long ago, in a middle earth in a galaxy far, far away, there was a hockey team, which really wasn't a hockey team, because none of it's players knew how to play hockey! They tried and tried, but all they managed to achieve was very nice grilled chicken salads. So, they decided to hire a coach to get them going.

Coach Norton Weenis was a very excellent coach...when he lived in our galaxy. Unfortunately, he was driven a bit nutty when he was abducted by the Jawas, who ran around him screaming, Oo-Tini! Oo-Tini, until he clutched his fuzzy, pink play book in fear for his life.

He escaped them after a few years and was searching for a hockey team to coach. He pulled out a roster that was stuffed into his pocket. He collected it from a billboard on Tatooine. This was a very odd team indeed.

WANG'S DELI  
1. Moo-shoo pork... 8 credits  
2. Ginger beef... 12 credits a pound  
3. A bar of soap... 20 credits when added with water  
4. sweet & sou...

Silly coach Weenis shook his head. That wasn't the roster! That was the menu from the Chinese Food restaurant he visited this morning! So he reached into his other rather sticky pocket and pulled out the real roster.

PLAYER , NUMBER, POSITION

Luke Skywalker, 16, Water boy/cheerleader/back up goalie Darth Vader, 1, center, Captain Leia Organa-Solo, 18, right forward  
Han Solo, 12, left defense  
Yoda, 5, center forward  
Obi-Wan Kenobi, 9, left forward  
Chewbacca, 11, goalie

_'Coach wanted. Will pay REAL credits!_ ' Coach Weenis read the fine print. _'If job not done well, will be decapitated with Lightsaber!'_

"Riiiiiiiiiight," Weenis said, holding the brochure, which, up until this point, he thought was some kind of intricate flower arrangement.

He decided to check out this team. He looked up the address and took a taxi-shuttle to the location. He looked up at the frightening battle station which was the size of a small moon, which was apparently where most of the players lived. He rang the doorbell, and was responded to with a large laser blast.

"Aaaaaaaahhh!" screamed Weenis, his voice taking the pitch of a small school-girls'.

"Who goes there?" said a loud, intimidating voice followed by a spat of irritating mechanical breathing.

"Umm, it's me, Coach Weenis, responding to your ad for a new coach...please don't hurt me!" he whined. There followed a pause and a split second in which coach Weenis heard a mechanical voice saying, "Hey guys! It's the new coach we asked for! Should we fry him or let him in?"

"Meh," said one voice."I dunno," said another.

"Grrrrowlll!" said a third.

"Of course, stupid!" yelled the last one, which sounded the most feminine of them all. (Though the first one came pretty close...)

"Fine, fine. Come in, the door's open!" exclaimed the mechanical voice.

Coach Weenis opened the door and found himself standing in a hall which was occupied by five beings. One of which was extremely hairy and wearing goalie pads, another with queer hair, a weak looking boy and a man wearing a black jacket. The fifth was the most frightening of all.

Coach Weenis peed himself with fright as he saw him... Darth Vader, in all his black helmeted glory.

"Ha ha! Wet!" grinned the weak boy, cackling maniacally.

"Fat!" yelled the jacketed male, also howling with laughter.

"Grrrrrahhhhh!" grrrrrahhhhh-ed the hairy one.

"Would you three grow up!" yelled the woman peevishly.

Coach peed again.

"Are you in need of some facilities?" asked Vader, eyeing his wet pants.

"Would you...?" said Weenis hopefully.

"Come along with me, you poor soul. AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU THREE AND YOUR STUPID JEERS!" Vader screamed, latching a mechanical arm around Weenis's shoulders and leading him down the hallway, with Weenis sobbing as he went. He left a wet trail of footprints.

Leia yelled after them, (for that's who the girl was), "Don't forget to tell 3PO to bring him a pair of extremely large men's pants!" This sent Luke, the weakling, to go into fits of tittery giggles. Chewie smacked him over the head, causing his knees to buckle and sending him into cardiac arrest.

Leia shrugged, kicked her brothers twitching body, and picked up a soggy piece of paper that Coach Weenis had dropped.

"Hey! You guys wanna go for Moo-Shoo Pork?"

* * *

So... This was updated on June 26, 2006, by fantasizingfluff, and Shannakin, due to horrible grammatical errors. SORRY GUYS! We hope they're all fixed now. 

Now, hit that massive shiny button in the corner... see it? Now, type some sort of response. Good, bad, HUGE flames, we can handle it. I like fire.. (slightly pyromanical, I know)

Do, it, or I'll send ET after you, with a massive band of vicious goats. CIAO!


	2. Chapter 2: Violence is HAPPY!

**A/N:**

**Shannakin:** Well, here it is.. a slightly shoddy piece of work that was written a year or two ago.. I just felt the insane desire to post.. not my fault, I blame the media.

Oh! And...

_Disclaimer: I'm George Lucas. No REALLY..._

* * *

Chapter 2: VIOLENCE IS HAPPY!!!

Leia, Han and Chewie came back to the DEATH STAR saturated with oriental sustenance.

"Mmmmmmmmmm...pork..." Moaned Han.

"Uhhhh, stomach cramps..." moaned Leia.

"Grrrrrrraaaaaaaawwwwwwwwlllllll" Grrraaawwwlll-ed Chewie.

"Sooooo... y'think Luke's dead yet?" Leia grinned eagerly as they opened the door.

"Almost," A feeble voice came from the ground. Luke, who had apparently vomited the remains of his lunch out, was now lying on the floor trying fruitlessly to get up.

"Should we just let him lie there?" Leia asked, looking at him with obvious disgust.

"Or kill him and put him out of his misery?" Said Han, rubbing his hands together, his fingers reached for his blaster he had stuck in his holster.

"Yeah!!" Leia said, eyes brightening immediately.

"No!! No!! Don't kill me!!" Luke pleaded, his hands groping the shiny tiles for any means of escape.

"Don't kill him yet!" A new voice chorused. "He'll die soon enough!"

"OBI-WAN!?!?!?!?!!?" Han and Leia said in unison.

"No shit, Sherlock," Obi Wan said, materializing out of thin air, still looking quite young and incredibly alive.

"Didn't dad kill you?" Luke asked from the floor. "I cried into my pillow for a day after that!! Well, actually, I cried for about five minutes, then went and blew up some tie fighters, so I was happy." and he broke down and began to sob, fat tears leaking down his cheeks.

Leia aimed a swift kick to his temple. That shut him up.

"You really didn't grow out of that violent streak your dad gave you, did you?" Han said.

"Obviously not," she said, kicking Luke once again in the ribs, puncturing several vital organs.

Luke gave a stifled squeal, till blood dribbled from his mouth and he fell silent.

"I always hoped I'd marry a woman like you," Han smiled.

Leia grinned sheepishly.

"Ok, getting a little afraid now," Obi-Wan said. "and no, your FATH-er, Ana-KIN, only killed my demented cousin Ben."

"Ben?"

"Ben." he said with finality.

"Ben?!'

"Ben, you fools! Ben!"

"So... why not kill Luke now?" Leia grumbled.

"Uhhhhhhh..." Obi-Wan took his time searching for an explanation, "We need him to bring us water at the game so we don't get dehydrated." he finished lamely.

"So we can pick on him then?" piped in Han.

Obi-Wan shrugged. "I can't see why not,"

Everyone could clearly see Leia was itching to throttle Luke in his sleep, so Obi-Wan picked him up and dragged him to the nearest bacta tank, making sure to drag him over the most hard and uncomfortable parts of the floor. Leia giggled with anticipation.

Just then, lord Vader re-appeared, sporting a good deal of dents in his helmet. Everyone wondered why.

"Why do you have dents in your helmet, I wonder?" blathered Han (who was the head of the obvious statements/questions department for the moronic group)

"Er, Coach Weenis is experiencing technical, er, physical difficulties. When I tried to give him a shot for sleep, he like, totally freaked out on me! I mean, he kicked my helmet! KICKED MY HELMET!! No one kicks the helmet!!" He wheezed in his eerily mechanical voice.

"Well, he is our coach. Maybe we can kill him and or seriously maim him after the game." Han suggested.

"Well, he won't be awake for a while, I punched him once pretty good in his ribcage."

"Like I did to Luke!" Leia squealed excitedly.

"Good job, honey," Vader smiled. "That's my little girl! If I had eyes, I would tear up!"

Just then, Obi-Wan spotted Vader.

"You!" Obi-Wan shrieked.

"You!" Vader said, but they were sure if he could show emotion, he would have.

"You killed my cousin!" Obi-Wan yelled.

"You never gave me the Star Wars Lego set I wanted for my birthday!" Vader sobbed.

(If he could.)

"WOULD YOU TWO JUST SHUT IT? WE'RE ON THE SAME FREAKIN' HOCKEY TEAM!" Han shouted.

"Nooooooooo!!!!" Vader screamed, in his annoyingly irritating fashion, holding his hands to his head.

"Psst," came a disembodied voice inside Vader's head.

"What?" He said impatiently.

"You already used that line!"

"Oh, did I?"

"Yeah, when Padme 'DIED'."

"Oh, right."

Everyone was staring dumbfounded as Vader mumbled to thin air. Chewbacca was seriously wondering whether or not he would be mentally stable enough to play center forward.

Meanwhile, Luke was waking up, as was coach Weenis.

" Where am I?!" Luke shrieked, starting to cry once again. "Have the pink bunnies stopped attacking? Where's my x-wing fighter? I want MOM!!" He put his thumb in his mouth and started sucking vigorously.

"Where have the rainbows gone?" Cried Weenis, discovering he was in a concrete cell that smelled vaguely of medicinal supplies.

"Oops, I think he's awake," Vader said, looking at Luke as he twitched.

"Ggggraaaaaaawwwwwlllll!" Said Chewie.

"You're right, better give him another kick, might shut him up." Han said.

"No! No! I'm awake..." and he passed out from loss of blood.

"He needs blood!" Vader groaned.

"Why don't you give him some?" prodded Han.

"Shut up, inarticulate son in law!" Vader said. "I barley have enough to sustain

myself! Blithering idiot!"

"Leia..." they all said at once.

"Uh-uh!!" shouted Leia, wrapping her arms about herself. "My blood! MINE!!"

"Okay, don't freak out or anything!" Vader said as Han snuck up to her from behind, a lethal looking needle with a serrated edge drawn like a sword. He stuck it in her back and drew enough blood to sustain Luke for another night. His body would create enough blood by morning.

(They hoped.)

Just then, Weenis staggered into the hallway, where he met a most interesting sight.

Han, Vader and Obi-Wan were standing around Leia and Luke. Luke seemed to be mortally wounded while Leia tried desperately to clutch at her back screaming all the while,

"HAN YOU SELFISH MORON!! HOW COULD YOU DRAW BLOOD FROM YOUR OWN WIFE WITHOUT CONSULTING  
HER FIRST???!!!!"

"Actually, it was quite easy, I just stabbed the needle into your back and drew the blood. Like this!!" He then stabbed Chewbacca with the needle with enough force to nearly kill him, although it barely got through the matted mass of tangled fur. "RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLWWWWWWWW!!!!" Chewie ralw-ed.

"Oh, suck it up, you big fur ball!" Han said, yanking the needle back out.

"Is this my TEAM?!" Coach Weenis cried, flinging his hands to his face.

"Yes," They all said in unison. Except for Luke, who was once again out cold.

"Holy crap!! Have you any dignity whatsoever?"

"Mmmmmm...don't think so," Han thought openly.

"If I had it, I would be the ruler of it!!" Vader said, showing, once again, his strange desire to rule things.

"Definitely not," Obi-Wan said.

"What's dignity?" Leia asked, looking momentarily puzzled.

"Grrrrrrrroooooooooollllllllll!!" Yowled Chewie.

Luke groaned from the floor.

Just then, Yoda appeared out of thin air leaning on his staff to support his tiny bulk.

"Appeared, I have," He said, his huge eyes bugging wildly out of his head.

"Whoa, man, you have some serious issues," Han began, but Leia sucker punched him in the stomach.

"Ow," He said, feeling internal bleeding.

"Oh, what do you want, you crazy old man?" Vader asked, swirling his cape in an annoyingly irritating fashion.

"Part of this hockey team, I am," replied Yoda, sitting on the floor examining Luke. "Beat this weak man, you have. Why such violence, I ask?" He said, poking Luke's head with his staff.

"Meh, he was just existing. You know how it goes," Leia said, stomping down hard on Luke's head with her high heeled foot. That would cause a major welt to form in the morning.

"Anyone have a computer? I have a sudden urge to drop one on his head." Her face lit up with insanity and she looked around, obviously hoping someone would just pull one out of their back pocket.

"Anyone up for some practice? We'll need to be in top form to play our opposing team!" Weenis said happily, clapping his hands together.

Everyone looked murderous.

He didn't seem to notice because he turned around and walked down the hallway, looking left and right.

"Whereabouts would you happen to keep your rink? You obviously must have a changing room too, or else...I don't know what would happen if a team didn't have a change room. It's probably something completely horrible or else they would have said something about it."

"Should we grab him now?" Han whispered into Leia's ear.

"NOW!!" She screamed. Everyone leapt at Weenis, who was completely unaware that he was about to be beaten senseless by three jedi ( one of whom was a whiny insufferable pip-squeak, another a decrepit little..thing! The other a thirty-something year-old man I said he was still young, darshnit! an incredibly angry princess in serious need of therapy, a pilot, a large furry Wookiee, and a tall (once handsome) jedi in a shiny black suit who had apparently joined the dark side and...oh dear I've gone cross eyed...anywho...they were about to gouge his eyes out when he yelled (in an incredibly commanding voice for a complete doofus) ..."STOP!"

They were all so surprised that they stopped in their tracks, which happened to be those of a train, sufficiently surprised by the authority in Coach's voice.

" If you beat on me now!!!" He thundered, "I swear..I'LL MAKE YOU DO THE MOST HORRIBLE ON ICE DRILLS...EVER!!!!!!!!!"

"What's drills?" Leia asked.

"Ggggrrrrrrrrooooooowwwwwwwllllll!" Growl-ed Chewie.

"You said it," exclaimed Han.

"I'm so confused," Obi-Wan cried, sobbing into his hands.

It was Weenis's turn to look murderous. "You don't even know what drills are?" He whispered dangerously.

They all shook their heads.

"Show me to your rink. NOW!!" He screamed.

* * *

A/N: So, there you have it... I fear this story may not be continued, as we must deal with the minor inconvienience of NightRain having moved across the county. But, I, Shanni McShannakin will ALWAYS be here for you, so.. I'll do what I can.

You should review.. Thats what Superman would do. (ooh, bad rhymes!)


	3. Chapter 3: Practice

A/N: Uh-oh... We're BAAAAACK!!! (Actually, Hi. I'ts just me. Shanni. Leah's still off, across the county. But don't let that cool you off.) After much ado (basically about nothing), here we have it... CHAPTER THREE... Gasp!

_Thanks Fluff!!!_

* * *

Chapter 3: Practice.

"..around the bunny tree? I still don't get it!" Luke cried. They had revived him by smacking him with a wet mitten.

"Here, just let ME tie your skates!" screamed Vader. "Honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do with you! It's lucky I have Leia to be all violent and evil and junk!!"

Leia nodded somberly in the corner trying desperately to put on her neck guard. All she could manage was to stuff her hand in a skate and shove the other backwards on her knee. To top it all off, she was wearing her shin pads on her freaky hair, which she had pulled into two horribly disfigured buns.

"Ok," Weenis said. "This is going to take more work than I thought..." Then he explained in detail how to put every single piece of equipment on every single part of their anatomy.

When they looked as close to hockey players as possible, Weenis led them on the ice to begin they're training. But he soon realized that most of them couldn't skate.

"Why do you even call yourselves hockey players? You don't know how to put on skates, you put all your equipment on the wrong parts of your body, which I may add is frightening and disturbing, you can't skate, and you beat on each other on a regular basis. Is there anything USEFUL you can do?" He shrieked at them all.

"Make toast can I!" Yoda giggled.

"Oh, oh, oh!" Luke cried, flinging up his hand. "Pick me, pick me!"

"Fine. What can YOU do, Luke?" Weenis said, evidently at a loss of something else to say.

Luke wracked his tiny brain to think of something he could do. "I can give water!" He finally came up with.

"Congratulations, water boy." Weenis said, smacking Luke upside the head.

"I can skate! Watch!" Han trilled, spinning into a perfect triple double sow-cow.

"That's figure skating, dip." Obi-Wan pointed out.

"Ooooh, oooooh! Look at me!" Leia shrieked. She whipped off her skate and hurled it at Luke's head, which missed by mere inches, but which caused him trauma all the same. Leia snarled.

"We don't decapitate our teammates, Leia! Two minutes in the penalty box!" Weenis said, pointing to a small box in the corner.

Leia went quietly but when the door shut, she screamed and clawed, trying to get out like a wild animal.

"Just let her tire herself out," Coach Weenis said.

"Right, like that'll happen," Han mumbled from somewhere off to the left.

"For your insolence...everybody...TWO HARD LAPS!!!!" Coach Weenis screeched.

They all took off, grumbling and moaning, trying desperately to stay on their feet.

"They're not too bad," Coach Weenis said to himself.

After a long and tiring practice, they all sat in the dressing room, listening to  
Coach Weenis telling them about other hockey teams he had coached and how much better they were than them.

"Oh, like that's a real boost for our self esteem," Han mumbled.

"I smell BAD!" Leia cried.

"Like that's unusual," Luke snarled from the corner, where no one bothered to sit. That little quote caused Leia to chuck her stick at him, which hit him squarely in the temple, causing him to be knocked out for a few seconds.

Coachie looked over the roster a few times. "You need five more players to make it a complete team," He said.

They all pondered, trying to think of someone who could skate, and or hold the stick correctly.

"Pick me, master Luke!" C-3PO said, coming out of the locker room holding out towels.

"I pick him!" Weenis said. "He already has good gear! Shiny, too! Left defense!"

"But that's MY position!!!" Han whined.

"We need more than one, nut case." muttered Luke, who had apparently regained consciousness, but was to be knocked out again by Obi-Wan's shin pad.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist," he said, shrugging.

"If 3PO is playing, than I guess R2 can too," Weenis said," right defense!"

"Actually, come to think of it, LANDO can skate!" Han grinned; snapping his fingers in what he thought was an extraordinarily extravagant gesture.

"Well, get him in here!" Weenis shrieked.

"But I am here!" Lando said, crawling out of Han's equipment bag.

"Wow, I never knew how big those things actually were!" Lando said. "I've been living in there for the past three months! You gotta wash more of your sweaty socks, man!"

"Hee hee," Han said. "Sweaty socks!"

"Yeah, you still need help," Lando said.

"Right, but we still need two more players." Coach Weenis said. Everyone rubbed their chins, a classic example of a pose which details when someone is thinking.

"I can't think of anyone!" Leia whined. She was good at that.

"Me neither!" screamed Vader. If anything, he wanted to be the first one to think of another player." Wait...none of you will believe this, buuuuuuuuuut..."

Everyone waited in awkward anticipation.

"Spit it out, old man!" yelled Luke, who got a crack on the side of the head with a skate blade for his outburst.

"Follow me," Vader hissed ominously, in a way that was very, very ominous…

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A/N: So, We pretty much rule! (After FINALLY getting a chapter up, I felt I needed to give myself a pat on the back.) Read and Review... please? 


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